Perfect World

In case you didn't notice, the world is not a perfect place. There's war, pollution, hunger, and of course Paris Hilton.

One night after being flagrantly overserved by a bartender, I scribbled on cocktail napkins a list of things that I would change about the world. You know, if I were a deity.

The unabridged list is, unfortunately, swirling above a local landfill, but here are some napkins that survived the beer spills.

Ahem.

In a perfect world ...

* pug dogs would have a reasonable amount of skin on their face.
* boot would rhyme with foot.
* we'd get paid for the time we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding from work.
* radio stations would keep their contest money and play some bloody music.
* a man could fix all of his relationship issues with WD-40 or duct tape.
* answering machines would come with a get-to-the-point button.
* breeding laws would limit couples to one child per 75 IQ points.
* athletes would retire only once.
* cat burglars would break in and steal your cat.
* traffic lights would change when we honk at them.
* O.J. Simpson would marry Lorena Bobbitt. I'm assuming they're both single.
* priests who hear confessions would get paid the same as shrinks.
* our TV's brightness control would turn up the intelligence.
* if an officer has to tackle the suspect to make an arrest, the officer would be entitled to three free punches.
* when people graduate high school, they'd also graduate high school mentality.
* the game of "peekaboo" would have an official end.
* decaf coffee would come in a different color.
* political speeches would be delivered by the people who write them.
* there wouldn't be so many needless, unneeded, unnecessary words.
* freeways would grow at the same rate as the population.
* somebody would confiscate Dennis Miller's thesaurus.
* when the computer gets hung up, we could just shake it like a pinball machine.
* all movies would be formatted to fit your screen without apology or explanation.
* when a woman gets a perm, that's it—no changing.
* lawyers would speak a language that humans also understand.
* walkie-talkie cell phones would exist only in hell, where they were invented.
* sick days would include when you're sick of work.
* when teams lose on Fan Appreciation Day, spectators would get their money back.
* Cupid would have better aim.
* naming your son Zavery or Oceana would qualify as child abuse.
* weight gain would be caused not by food but by some undelicious thing like televangelism.
* the Meyers would get together with the Myers and settle the spelling once and for all.
* the calf bone would have more meat on it.
* every driver would understand the Merge Concept.
* a man and woman would never know which one will end up pregnant.
* football games would not end on a field goal.
* we could surgically remove that part of our brain that plays the same snippet of music over and over and over.
* everyone would die on their one-hundredth birthday while having sex.

But the world is not perfect, so we have storms and train wrecks and Paris Hilton, left to wonder about a deity who would have it this way. It would be too much to handle but for a gift from this same creator, something to iron out the wrinkles and put the world back into perspective. And that is lots of beer.

More humor columns by Jason Love