Standup Humor

Children
I want to name my child What's-His-Face. Everyone can like a What's-His-Face. "Isn't that... Yeah, that's What's-His-Face. Let's say hi."

Culture
America isn't especially rich with culture. If it weren't for Tom and Jerry, I wouldn't even know about classical music.

Eating
Have you heard about "happy food"? That's when we let turkeys roam the earth feeding on toxin-free food ... and then slice their throats.

Friendship
I was never anyone's best friend. I was always the best friend runner-up. Like, "You'll be my best friend if he dies."

Geography
Don't you hate it when you're on the phone with someone who says, "Hey, how's it going over there in California?" Like you represent the whole state. I'm like, "Well, I'm doing all right..."

Money
My shrink was trying to get me to look at my preoccupation with money, but I couldn't concentrate ... He was costing me a dollar a minute.

Race
My grandpa was so prejudiced that his phone had a color I.D.

Religion
We see these people at football games with their signs. John, 14:2. I think that's rude. I don't go to church with a sign reading, Rams 14 - Bengals 3.

Sex
Everyone is so afraid of disease these days. My buddy's dog started humping my leg, and I looked down and said, "Is that a condom?"

Sleep
How about these people who say, "I got too much sleep last night. That's why I'm so tired." ... I could slip into a coma, and it wouldn't be too much sleep.

World News
During their annual pilgrimage to "stone the devil," Muslim worshippers started a stampede and 250 people were trampled to death, proving them to be slightly less intelligent than cattle.