Whenever Newsletter 3-2

Traffic has really picked up in recent weeks, and with it has come some bizarre correspondence. One lady wrote to say that she named her cat after Yahaira; another notified me that I would burn in hell for all eternity (and even provided reference pages in the Bible).

The most flattering e-mail came from the head of the Mariah Carey Fan Club. This woman is so prominent that she even gets to touch Ms. Carey when Ms. Carey is not in the mental hospital. The woman contacted me in regard to an archived minivote, which I have since removed from the site.

It went like so:

If Mariah Carey couldn't sing, she would be a...

• Hollywood housewife
• call girl
• useless

For the record, "useless" won with 46%.

Here is the e-mail I received from the fan/activist:

"Your 'minivote' about Mariah Carey was awful, and in poor taste. I personally know Ms. Carey and can tell you that she is the sweetest, most loveable human being on the planet. She deserves better than smart-asses like you who have no talent. I am going to see if Maria wants to pursue legal action. I hope she does."

At first I laughed, then I worried about Mariah Carey, for whom I have one word: Selena.

I forwarded the e-mail to friends who are familiar with my views on Hollywood divas. For me, Mariah is syrup of ipecac. I won't divulge how she films herself around the clock or cancels interviews on bad hair days, but I will say this -- she has a knack for knowing which bed to wake up in.

A friend convinced me to remove the minivote link since Mariah is yesterday's tabloid.

"Besides," he said, "the woman who e-mailed you must have been lying. Everyone knows that Mariah is the head of the Mariah Carey Fan Club.