My Cat Sam

Got a cat recently.

When you announce that you're having a baby, everyone applauds and cheers. Tell 'em you got a cat and they're like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I -- I didn't realize it was that bad." So it goes.

When I got the cat, the owner said that he, the animal, talks a lot; and I thought, "Hey, cool, like Garfield." Turns out that talking is more like nails on chalkboard: Meeeow. Meeeeow. But then you reach down to pet him, and he runs away.

That's the difference between a cat and a dog: A dog wants your attention; a cat wants you to be "less neglectful."

My Sam likes to sniff his butt -- and you would too if you could -- but when he looks up, he's got this crazed expression like he's sniffing a totally different kind of crack. I asked a local vet what it meant and he said, "How should I know? I fought in a war."

Then I asked a veterinarian ... and she said that cats have a sensor in their mouth that allows them to enjoy their own bouquet. The little dude spends 20% of his life probing himself. It's like an Everlasting Gobstopper.

You ever throw a toy for a cat, and he starts to chase it but then catches himself?

"Wait a minute. I'm not your monkey. I'm not here for your entertainment. And by the way, did you serve me tap water? As if."

If there is one thing that all cat owners have in common, it's this: We all have a box of stool in our house. And it's not the stand-off doodie that you wrap up and olé; you've got to get in there like a forty-niner panning for gold.

"Hey-hey, look at that nugget. Get the scale!"

While we're here ... still ... what makes a cat take off running after he dumps? My cat gains enough momentum to leave skid marks on the walls. Could you imagine if people were like that?

"Let's get this meeting started. Where's Conner?"

"Um. Sir. He's doing wind sprints in the parking lot." Then in a cupped whisper. "Number two."


Cats will tolerate a certain amount of neglect with the litter box, but around Day Three they become as one of our founding fathers.

"When in the course of events a cat cannot step into his box without facing yesterday's litter, he must deem these conditions intolerable ... and the tyrants will know his discontent by the droppings they find in the bathtub."

The other day I walked in and found Sam chewing on my lucky bamboo plant ... my lucky bamboo plant. He may as well have been taking money out of my pocket! So I bought some of that "no chew" spray that makes the plants taste bad, and the bottle read, "Does not cause stinging like other leading products."

I said, "No, I want stinging. I want stinging and burning. I want to see smoke coming out of his ears. Chew on my lucky bamboo plant."

Tidy as cats are, you wonder why they hate the bath. My cat will die before he lets me bathe him. It's like holding one leg of a terrified wishbone. Is my tongue really that repulsive?

At the airport I saw a cat carrier that read, "Careful: I scratch." That's alarming, isn't it? It means that cats can not only read, but they're making labels! You know they're onto the whole doorknob thing. One day you'll come home to an open house, the smell of keg beer, cats swinging from the chandelier...

"I've got your tap water right here. Wooooo!"

To protect the couch, I bought a jungle gym that cost more than the couch, but Sam prefers the give of designer throw pillows. Good times. Good times.

Sam plays in my office while I write, so every day is Take Your Child to Work Day. "Get away from those wires!" "Stop or I'll shoot!" Seriously, I carry on my person a spray bottle. All I need is a holster and spurs. And whiskey. Lots of whiskey.

Maybe we should adopt the spray-bottle system for humans. When someone on an airplane, for instance, can't stop complaining, we just squirt him between the eyes. Sure, he'll be angry, but he'll learn.

They say that petting a cat lowers your blood pressure, but if it weren't for the cat, maybe IT WOULDN'T BE NECESSARY. At the end of the day, though, when you look into those gooey blue kitty eyes, your heart turns to butter and you forgive all the -- "Sam! Stop it right now! I'll show you why they call that a throw pillow..."